The Beat of Life

This post comes from a weekly memoir writing prompt provided by The Red Dress Club.  

This week’s prompt asked us to write about a time that rhythm, or a lack thereof, played a role in our life. And we weren’t supposed to use the word “rhythm.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if when a heart attack was over, it was really over?  But it’s not a simple thing like a broken arm or an appendectomy.  I mean, no one keeps staring at the ex-patient wondering if one day that arm will spontaneously snap, and an appendix, once removed, cannot come back and haunt its previous owner like Marley’s ghost, though my dad swore his tonsils grew back.

My husband had a heart attack when he was fifty.  The beat of our lives had been steady.  Even.  Get up and go to work.  Come home, eat dinner, watch a little TV or read, then go to bed.  Repeat five times and do yard work and errands on weekends.  Then the flow was interrupted by something so unexpected.  My husband was in great shape.  We watched what we ate and he exercised faithfully.  Sure, we had stress, but doesn’t everybody?  A heart attack at fifty was not programmed into the pulse of our lives.

When he came home from the hospital, my husband needed to take things slow.  I took short walks with him at first, then longer ones as his strength came back.  Even after the doctor cleared him to return to work, we couldn’t just move back into the cadence we had before.  I took more time planning meals to make sure they were heart-healthy.  My husband had to adjust to the new routine of swallowing a slew of pills morning and night.

I was afraid all the time when he was out of my sight.  What if it happened again and I wasn’t there?  At night I would watch him sleep, watch his chest rise and fall, rise and fall, or press myself tightly against his back as he slept on his side so I could feel the beating of his heart.  Months later I still found it hard to sleep through the night.  If I drifted off and awoke in the dark and couldn’t hear him breathing, I’d put my hand on his chest or give him a little shake.  Just checking.  I’d praise God every morning we woke up together.

That was many years ago.  Gradually, the pattern of our lives flowed back into metered measures, though we never forgot the ragtime of those heart attack days.  The fear abated, I could let my sweet husband out of my sight without the perpetual knot in my stomach, and I learned to sleep again.  We still sleep like spoons, but it is my husband now who presses tight into my back like he used to do, his arms enfolding me reassuringly.  One thing has remained, however, from those frightful days.  I praise God every morning we wake up together.

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Star Struck

I am a city girl at heart.  I grew up fifty miles from New York City, and since my father grew up in the City and his parents still lived there when my brother and I were young, our family drove to New York nearly every other Sunday after church.  My mother would read the paper, and by the time we pulled into our parking spot on E. 98th Street, she had finished the last page.  My dad would take us to the Guggenheim or the Museum of Natural History.  On blustery winter days, he would buy us hot chestnuts from a street vendor, not to eat, but to put in our pockets to keep our hands warm.  A city boy trick. One of my favorite places was the Hayden Planetarium.  I loved learning about the planets and the stars.  I was fascinated to learn some of those objects we take for stars are really just pin dots of light from stars long dead, such is the vastness of the universe and the speed of light.

But, as I said, I am a city girl, and city people don’t really know what it is to look at the stars.  When I read the weather page Saturday morning, I saw something unusual.  The night time forecast showed that it would be so clear that the stars would be visible. 

I don’t remember seeing those star symbols used; I usually see a prediction of partly cloudy at night.  It wouldn’t make any difference, I knew.  The city lights wold obscure the stars anyway.

Many years ago we lived outside of Philadelphia for a couple of years.  Too many city lights to see the stars.  We moved to San Antonio, the seventh largest city in the nation, and lived there twenty-nine years.  Couldn’t see the stars.  Now we live in Virginia Beach, the largest city in Virginia.  No stars.  People in cities may tell you they see the stars, but what they see are weak and few at best.

However, after we were first married, we lived in Storrs, Connecticut, a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere.  In the summer my husband and I would lie on the front lawn, a hill overlooking the cornfields and cow pastures, and stare up at the black sky alive with millions of bright stars.  The contrast between the dark of night and the light of the stars was intense.  We felt so small, but in a good way, like the sky was saying, “In case you ever get too full of yourselves, just look up here and we’ll put you in your place.  You’re not in charge.”

This past Saturday night we went to see Harry Potter and then sat outside at one of the many restaurants in Town Center, a busy city center that reminds me of some of the small city neighborhoods around Boston.  I had a glass of wine, my husband a beer, and we shared some potstickers.  Then we walked arm in arm to get some Italian gelato on the next block and listened to a band that was playing on the Square.  Town Center was a vibrant place, filled with conversation, laughter, and music.  There was nothing peaceful and quiet about it, and I loved it.  I felt alive!

I would not want to go back to living in a place as isolated as Storrs.  I know many people love the country and would cringe at the thought of living in a city.  I guess there are Country People and City People.  But now and then, I have a hankering to climb that hill once more, throw down my blanket, and stare at the stars.  You have to give up something precious to be a city girl.

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It’s All About Breathing

Bad idea.  It’s Friday morning and I wanted to get an early start on my weekend, so I took myself to the beach.  I came before the crowds, hoping to get some writing in so I could go home and post something on my blog.  What was I thinking?

I couldn’t take my eyes off the ocean.  Today is another Red Flag day with huge, pounding waves, white foam spewing from the rolling breakers, the air filled with the briny scent of sea.   A laughing gull soared overhead, a sailboat floated on the horizon, the bright-striped ribbon of a parasail in the distance, a dolphin fin broke the surface of the water.  A lone grey gull meandered towards me, hoping for a handout, but I know better than to feed gulls (wish tourists did!), and he wandered off again.  Two Navy jets, F-18 Super Hornets, screamed across the sky, followed a few minutes later by two more.  The sound of freedom, as they say in this Navy town.

I put my notebook back in my beach bag.  I couldn’t get the graphite to descend from my mechanical pencil anyway, no matter how many times I clicked it.  I shouldn’t have kept it in the bottom of my beach bag; sand and mechanical pencils are not good company.  I stood at the tide line, feeling the pull of the sand as each wave receded, pulling me deeper into the moment.

I went back to my chair, closed my eyes, and lost all track of time as I listened to the sounds around me:  the whoosh of the waves, the squeals of the children as the cold water crashed over them (though my sons, used to Cape Cod waters would find our ocean perfectly tepid), the humming engine of a passing boat, the shriek of a lifeguard’s whistle.  I opened my eyes and was surprised at how fast the beach had filled up.   People had begun setting up their beach chairs, umbrellas, and cabanas close to me.  Too close.  I checked my watch, and with a sigh, packed up and headed for the car.

As I walked back, I thought of my t’ai chi instructor this week, encouraging us to do our t’ai chi breathing while we went through our forms.  She said the forms didn’t have to be perfect, but we must remember to breathe and pay attention to our breath.  “When you do that,” she said, “everything else on your mind, your worries, your anxieties, your busyness, will all melt away and you will feel connected to this earth.”  My yoga teacher yesterday said essentially the same thing.  When you pay attention to your breathing, it’s like meditating and you feel at one with yourself, not fragmented like you do when you are hurrying around trying to get things done.

I’m trying to be more conscious of that, the need to grasp that inner peace that eludes me if I don’t pay attention.  This morning at the beach, it was like breathing in the moment. Next time I will come earlier.  And I will bring more coins for the parking meter.

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When the Final Whistle Blows, Who Will Be Watching?

Back in 1972, when my husband and I married, Title IX was enacted.  It stated that “no person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance…”  It opened up opportunities for girls and young women to participate in sports at a level they had previously been denied.  As a result of these educational opportunities, we now have professional women’s basketball teams and soccer teams, among other professional women’s sports.

Last night I was watching the CBS world news and saw a story about women’s professional soccer teams in our country and how many of them are dissolving because of lack of interest on the part of fans.  The news report showed women playing soccer to nearly empty stadiums.  It’s not much better for women’s professional basketball.  Title IX was enacted nearly forty years ago, and yet the opportunities it created for women in sports have not translated into viable careers for women.  For example, a rookie in the WNBA makes about $36,000 her first year.  Mind you, this is with a college degree.  Compare that to salaries for men in their rookie year in the NBA.  A top pick would be making over four million dollars, a low pick only about a measly million. Some of these rookies are coming to the NBA straight from high school.  I think they probably could survive on those numbers without getting a second job.

Now, you might think that I’m looking for someone to blame in all this, but the fault, dear women (to borrow from Shakespeare; thank you, Will) is not in our stars but in ourselves.  Yes, not many men watch women’s sports, but neither do women.  How many of us will sit on the couch next to our husbands to be near them while they watch football (Okay, guilty!  But I get my back rubbed…), yet we won’t watch a WNBA game or a WPGA tournament?  Furthermore, why is it that men like us to sit with them to watch these men’s sporting events but they won’t sit with us to watch women’s sports?

My husband and I are devoted college hoops fans.  We’re University of Connecticut alums.  Need I say more?  A couple of years ago, we drove up to Washington, D.C. to watch the UConn women play Georgetown.  A year ago we watched them in the first round of the NCAA playoffs in Norfolk.   However, when March Madness is over, do we ever turn on the WNBA and watch these amazing women in action?  No we don’t, and many of them are ex-UConn players.  Women will never be able to have the same career opportunities in sports if they don’t get the fan support.

This Sunday the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team will compete in the world finals.  How many of us will watch that event and then never turn on another women’s game for the rest of the year?  I’m making a change and declaring it right here and now.  I will begin tuning in to women’s games.  For every men’s game I watch, I will watch a women’s game.  My husband will sit next to me.  Yes, he will (I haven’t told him yet).  And I will allow him to give me a back rub while we’re watching.

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Facing the Loss of Chocolate in the Ice Cream Cone of Life

Last night, my husband and I were lying in bed, and I said, “I can’t think of anything to blog about tomorrow.”

Silence.

“Did you hear me?”

“What?  I mean yes.  You said you couldn’t think of anything to blog about.”

Silence.

Silence.

“Well?”  I said, pointedly.

“Huh?” my husband replied sleepily.  “Well what?”

“Well I obviously wanted you to come up with a blog topic for me.”

“Oh…Oh!  Now I understand.”

Silence.

Silence.

“Well?” I said again.

“I’m still thinking.  Okay, you could write about our Sunday night routine of going down to the Oceanfront and getting a Dairy Queen on the Boardwalk and how you have decided not to get the chocolate dipped cone anymore because it melts the ice cream too fast.”

“And you seriously think people would want to read about that?”

“Well, you know, it sort of deals with facing disappointments in life.  Sort of,” he said, trying to drift back into the edge of sleep.

“Right.  And the ice cream cone example is definitely right up there at the top of the list of life’s disappointments.”

I know, I know.  This is my blog, not his, but you can’t blame me for trying.

All was not lost, though, because the subject of disappointments did get me thinking.  On my refrigerator door I keep comics I’ve cut out of the paper.  One of my favorites is one from “Pearls Before Swine.”

 

It rings so true.  We start out in life with all these grand dreams.  I remember my sons used to use their allowances when they were in middle school to buy a magazine called Unique Homes, a magazine for luxury real estate.  They would drool over the pictures and plan what car they would buy to go along with their mansion.  They even got their dad to take them to the Ferrari dealer.  I have to tell you, though, that when they weren’t looking, I’d peruse those magazines, too.  Who wouldn’t want to live like that!

The older I get, however, and the more time I have for reflection, my dreams are on a much smaller scale.  I’d like the economy to improve so my husband can retire in a few years and we can spend more time together.  I’d like to live closer to our kids, though living here is so much closer than when we were in Texas.  I don’t need to take European vacations or cruises, but I’d like to take a road trip to Nova Scotia.  Those grandiose dreams of our youth just slip quietly away, don’t they, but we find that we didn’t need them to be happy.  Of course, I’m not saying I’d turn down lottery winnings if they ever come my way, and if that happens, I’ll go straight to the book store and grab the newest copy of Unique Homes.  But, yes,  new vinyl windows would thrill me.

I can’t even remember why some of those dreams I had seemed so important when I had them.  I guess I thought they would make me happy, but somewhere along the way, I found I was happy just the way things have turned out.  A few hours before he died, my father said to me from his hospital bed, “I’ve been a good man, haven’t I?”  “The best!” I replied.  That’s the only thing in this life I really want, that at the end of it, I know I was a good person.  I don’t need the chocolate icing.

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A Mohair Moment

This post comes from a weekly memoir writing prompt provided by The Red Dress Club.  Write about an embarrassing moment.

I have always loved storms, contrary to most children.  I remember standing at the screen door of my grandparents’ house in Ohio, watching the amazing display of lightning bolts dance across the sky.  As a student I read everything I could about weather and cloud formation.  So it was no surprise I had my hand in the air to answer nearly every weather-related question my teacher posed.

One such question and answer session will always stick in my mind.  I was in Mr. Ryan’s seventh grade science class, wearing my beautiful, fluffy pink mohair sweater I had gotten for Christmas.  Now if you are much younger than I am, you will not have a clear picture in mind of that pink sweater.  The best description I can offer you is to think of me wearing a ton of cotton candy, only airier and fluffier.  Not sticky, of course!  Mohair was the “in” thing that year, and I thought I looked marvelous in that sweater.

Mr. Ryan was talking about clouds, and I was listening intently, my arms folded across my desk, my head resting on my arms.  He asked a question, and I was about to raise my hand to answer it when I realized my mouth was attached to my mohair-enslaved arm.  Oh, maybe now’s a good time to tell you I had braces on every tooth of my mouth, and in those days, braces were not those invisible ones or even the dainty silver bands like they are now.  They covered nearly every surface of your teeth with heavy metal and wires everywhere.  My wires had become hooked into the fine wool of my sweater, and there was no extricating myself.

I quickly put my hand down, but it was too late.  Mr. Ryan, called on me, and as I raised my head, my arm came with it, firmly attached to my mouth.  My classmates were practically falling out of their chairs with laughter.  Mr. Ryan, however, a kind and sensitive teacher, said, “Oh, dear.  Why don’t you go to the ladies room and see if you can get untangled.”  I left in a flash.

Though it was terribly embarrassing at the time, I laugh at that story every time I think of it.  It is as clear in my mind as if it happened yesterday, but it makes me laugh now.  When I was a seventh grade teacher, I always told my students that story, but they never laughed at me because they were the age I was when it happened to me, and they could offer nothing but sympathy.  At an age when their little egos were still so fragile, they felt for a moment that I was one of them.  I was vulnerable like they were.

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Monday Morning Blues

Monday mornings aren’t my favorite days to begin with, but the Monday after a full week of vacation is even more challenging.  We had such a relaxing time during our daughter and her family’s visit.  We spent two days in Williamsburg, then came home and had two beach days with great waves to boogie board in, went on a harbor cruise in Hampton Roads to see the Navy ships, took the kids bowling, ate out, ate out, and ate out some more, and never looked at our watches.  Every night we sat together, cuddling on the couch, watching Harry Potter moviesthe kids had brought from home, refreshing our memories of the saga in preparation for the last installment coming out in a few days.  My feet have known nothing but sneakers and flip flops for the past week, my face adorned with nothing but a smile.

Harbor cruise on the Victory Rover

Now it is Monday morning and I have to get a move on so I won’t be late for a meeting.  While our committee will be discussing how to bring writing programs into schools in Virginia Beach and Norfolk, my mind will be wandering back to the blissful, carefree feeling of our vacation week, trying to keep the emotions alive for a little while longer.  I have to tell you, as much as I despaired of losing all my readers because I stopped posting on a daily basis, I enjoyed the break and, for a quick moment or two, I thought maybe I was done with blogging.  But I also thought, for a quick moment or two, maybe I was done with meetings and cleaning and cooking, and wearing make-up, and being responsible, and, and, and…Ah, to be on permanent vacation!  Go ahead and tell me I wouldn’t enjoy it.  I would get tired of it.  Day after day of it would be monotonous. I wouldn’t have anything to look forward to anymore.  You’re probably right.  I think I’ll buy a lottery ticket tonight.

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Sand Castles at the Edge of the Sea

Today is the last day of our summer vacation with my daughter and her family.  They come from Michigan for a week of beach time and family time once a year.  My husband takes the time off from his stressful job as a college administrator, my engineer son-in-law puts aside his hectic schedule in the auto industry, my daughter leaves behind her role as driver of the Mom Mobile, ferrying her daughters back and forth from swim and gymnastic practices, orthodontist appointments, and numerous other tasks that take up her entire day, leaving her no time for herself, and I cease my worrying about trying to get yet another blog post off and replying to comments and e-mails.  My daughter and her family come here to relax and regroup before returning to the exigencies of life that make up their lives the rest of the year.

An ominous black cloud hovers over the Oceanfront, the storm at sea making huge waves perfect for body surfing and boogie boarding.  My daughter and nine-year-old granddaughter build a sand castle on the shore, but it is too close to the incoming tide, and the churning water ravages the walls like an angry marauder.  They build another castle further from the water, but it, too, is swamped.  Building sand castles takes the perfect balance of wetness to hold the sand together, but not so close to the ocean that the waves overwhelm it.  Today is not a good day for sand castle building.

Tomorrow my daughter and her sweet family will take to the road again for the fourteen-hour drive home from Virginia Beach to Michigan.  Monday morning their busy routines will begin again as will my husband’s.  I will put the house back in order, pausing to hear the echoes of laughter that rang in our house this week.  The secret, though, is to keep that balance in life, that summer spirit, not letting day-to-day living overwhelm us and destroy what we try so hard to build.

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Sky

Ominous Sky at Jennings Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut

Sky through the rigging of the schooner Friendship in Salem, Massachusetts

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A Piece of History

My brother has delved into our genealogy extensively and found many interesting people in our ancestry.  For instance, we are a direct descendant of one of the men who planted the Union flag at the top of Lookout Mountain in Georgia during the Civil War.  Another one of our ancestors fought alongside General George Washington during the French and Indian Wars.  However, if you were able to compare our DNA with our ancestors, we wouldn’t share any more of it than we would with perfect strangers.

Two summers ago we went to Monticello, Thomas Jefferson‘s home in Virginia, for the first time.  He was an avid gardner, and the gardens there are still magnificent.  Most of the plants are “descendants” of the original plants Jefferson planted.  Seeds were gathered and replanted, the next season’s seeds were gathered and replanted, and so on and so on.   They sell these seeds in their gift shop at Monticello, and we purchased a packet of Blackberry Lily seeds and planted them in our courtyard.  The next summer, a few scraggly plants came up, but no flowers.  This summer, however, we were rewarded with a host of flowers from Jefferson’s seeds, and what I find amazing is that, if you were to compare the DNA from these flowers in our garden to the flowers that were growing in Jefferson’s time, it would be the same.  Wow!  I have a piece of history!

In honor of our July 4th, Independence Day, holiday and of Thomas Jefferson, the author of our Declaration of Independence, I’m sharing these pictures of Monticello and our blackberry lilies.

Blackberry lilies are actually members of the iris family

Monticello

Thomas Jefferson's final resting place

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