My daughter is a very busy mom to three children. I know it’s hard for her to find time to communicate, but I hadn’t heard from her in awhile, so I sent her this survey to get her attention:
Dear Mrs. Wilson,
You have been selected to take part in an official government survey on the relationships between mothers and daughters in the U.S. Your cooperation would be greatly appreciated. In doing so, you will avoid any unpleasantness which might ensue as a result of your having ignored a government directive. Please answer as honestly as possible.
1. Do you have a mother? If no, then thank you for your time. You have completed this survey. If yes, proceed to question 2.
2. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “I don’t give a rat’s ass” and 10 being “I wish she would move in tomorrow and do all the cooking and cleaning for me,” how much do you love your mother? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
3. How often do you speak to your mother?
a. As little as I can get away with without being disinherited.
b. Once a month. Usually the month is November.
c. Once a week if I forget to pick up without looking at caller ID.
4. How do you show your mother you love her?
a. I’m supposed to actually show her?
b. I didn’t ask to be born. The ball is in her court.
c. I buy her expensive birthday presents. She likes J.Jill more than me anyway.
d. I let her come visit me once in awhile and even pick her up at the airport without making her take a cab.
5. If you could have any mother in the world, whom would you choose?
a. Condoleezza Rice. I enjoy discussing world diplomacy and public policy.
b. My Aunt Kathy. She is smart and sweet and never sarcastic.
c. I’d keep my own. Yeah, she’s sarcastic, but I don’t have the energy to train a new one.
Thank you for your time and for saving your country money. Drone strikes are expensive.
U.S. Administration for Children and Families
I received a text in response: “The answer to #5 is definitely Aunt Kathy.”
Clearly, that was not the attention I was looking for.