Interviewer: Let’s see here, Mrs. Okaty. You are applying for the job of mother. What experience have you had?
Former Self: None, Sir, but how hard can it be? I mean, we’re so much bigger than they are, right?
Interviewer: You would think, but actually, size doesn’t seem to matter. What qualifications do you have?
Former Self: Well…I have a college education, majored in English and minored in Anthropology. I can discuss the differences between austrolopithecus afarensis and australopithecus africanus. Oh, and I can quote nearly the entire introduction to Chaucer‘s Canterbury Tales, in Middle English, no less. Would you like to hear me?
Interviewer: No, I’ll take your word for it. I’m sure those skills will come in very handy. You’ll make your children, should we decide to give you any, very proud.
Former Self: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there?
Interviewer: Let’s move on, shall we? How do you intend to pay for these children?
Former Self: Doesn’t the hospital take credit cards?
Interviewer: Ma’am, I’m talking about after the hospital. How will you financially provide for these children?
Former Self: Um…is this a trick question? I mean we have parents who will help. Haven’t you ever heard of grandparents? Duh!
Interviewer: Mrs. Okaty, I think you’re missing the point here. These are supposed to be your children, not your parents’ children. They will be totally your responsibility. No one else’s. Yours. Alone. Totally.
Former Self: …You mean forever?
Interviewer: Well, it might seem like forever, but your actual responsibility will end when they turn eighteen.
Former Self: That’s only five years younger than I am now and I feel pretty old already.
Interviewer: Believe me, you’ll feel a lot older before you know it.
Former Self: Jeez, I feel like I’m failing this interview and we really want those kids. I think they’d be kind of fun to play with.
Interviewer: Play with? I’m sorry. I thought you were interviewing for parenthood, not puppy adoption. Don’t worry Mrs. Okaty, all the other prospective parents don’t come in here any more prepared then you are. I don’t know why the Big Guy upstairs insists on these interviews. They’re really just a formality. I guess He’s hoping that some of you young people will realize how serious this parenting business is and plan a little better before you take the plunge. There’s no turning back, you know.
Former Self: So when my father said you could give them back before their third birthday, he was just kidding? Well, it’s good to hear that not many of us get rejected. I was beginning to worry. I’m not getting any younger and I want to get started on my brood so I can fit them all in.
Interviewer: Fit them all in? How many are you planning on having?
Former Self: Three. One of each, as my husband says…Don’t look so horrified. That’s a joke. You people don’t laugh much, do you?
Interviewer: Oh, we laugh more than you think. And the joke’s on you.
Former Self: I’m sorry, you were mumbling. Could you repeat that last part?
Interviewer: I said you are approved. Enjoy your life.